Thursday, March 1, 2018

I'm Glad to (Re)Meet You - March 2018

A Welcoming Congregation

A house is built by wisdom, and dedicated with understanding - Proverbs 24:3

1925 Lake Street is not where Temple Sholom began. When I came to the congregation, we were located in Plainfield in a large building that had been built and added to over the congregation’s first nine decades. The sanctuary and social hall were huge. We had sixteen classrooms and a chapel in a separate wing. On most days, when it was just me and the office staff in the building, it felt deserted.

When I first came to Temple Sholom in 1999, we considered ourselves a welcoming congregation. Now every congregation thinks it is warm and welcoming - no one advertises themselves as cold and impersonal. Yet, at the oneg after Shabbat services, congregants only talked to the people that they already knew. They were embarrassed to introduce themselves to others, because they were afraid the person they thought might be there for the first time, was really a long-time member. We wanted to be welcoming; we were just afraid. The sad proof of this fact was when an African-American woman came to services, everyone “knew” she was not a member, and she was inundated with well-meaning welcome.

In 2003, the congregation made the leap of faith to sell our building and set up temporary quarters at the Fanwood Presbyterian Church. We told ourselves that we were more than a building; that our congregation was a community. That truth was proved by the fact that we grew as a congregation while in exile, and were able to summon the energy and resources to build our new home in Scotch Plains.

This house we now live in was built by wisdom. The wisdom was that the life our congregation was in knowing who we are and finding a way to share that with others. If we wanted to be a warm and haimische congregation, then it was not enough just to say it, we had to do it as well. We trained ourselves to say hello to people at our oneg shabbat - whether we thought we knew them or not. We changed our fundraisers from an expensive yearly gala, accessible only by a few, to many, smaller, more social events. (We talked about putting the “fun” in fundraising.) We moved our worship space into a semi-circle. We brought down the height of the bimah. We made our worship more accessible. Even our Hebrew school moved to an open classroom model.

This house we live in now was dedicated with understanding. The gift of a new building means we had to meet all ADA building codes, without the added expense of retrofitting. Our inclusion committee led the way in helping us understand what it meant to be welcoming to all - no door jambs to stumble over, a hearing loop to listen, bathroom facilities for any identity, and a religious school tailored for each of our students. We no longer see ourselves as one particular hair color or ethnic last name, but we run the gamut of many of the heritages that we find in our United States.

Have we become a welcoming congregation? Yes. Can we do more? Absolutely. Last month I was on a call that addressed some of the issues that Jews of color feel. One participant said that she did not want to feel welcomed into a synagogue, as if she were a guest, but rather made to feel at home, because she was a part of the family.

How do we move from welcoming the stranger as a guest to making them feel at home? Start with yourself. Rather than ask someone who they are, tell them who you are; introduce yourself. It is not easy to remember all of the 260 families in the congregation. If you cannot remember someone else’s name, it is not hard to imagine that they may have forgotten yours as well. Beyond that - be accepting and forgiving. Do not be indignant if the person you sat next to for four hours on Yom Kippur does not remember. Be glad they are reaching out again to have a conversation.

How do we build our congregation? How do we strengthen our community? By realizing the wisdom that it takes work every day, and the understanding that we all have to try to connect with each other.

Rabbi Joel N. Abraham

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